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Chapter Eight
Where Do We Go From Rock Bottom
[CONTINUED]
Keith's face went pale. His brow wrinkled with worry.
I could feel tears prickle at the back of my eyes as I pushed
on. "I want us to have a good marriage again."
Keith's eyes softened, and relief flooded his features.
"I've been sitting here tonight trying to figure out what's
gone wrong between us," I told him. "And one thing that's come to
me is that for months I've been living in a state of denial. Trying to
pretend that everything about us, especially our sex life, was going
to get back to what it was."
My throat was closing, and I spoke quickly to get all the
words out.
"But tonight I finally let myself look at what's really happened. And the truth is, I know I can't go on pretending. I have to
accept the fact that your impotence is permanent . . . "
I hesitated briefly.
". . . because if I don't, we're going to stay stuck right
where we are. And that scares me."
Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I reached for Keith's
hand and closed my palms over his as if I were praying.
"Keith I'm afraid. Afraid we might lose what we've worked
so hard for."
Now Keith's eyes were filled up, too. He pulled his hand
out from between mine and cupped my face. His voice was shaky.
"Gin, our marriage is the most important thing in my life,
and I'd do anything to keep you happy, you know that . . ."
Oh thank God, I thought.
". . . but that's what makes this whole thing so damn hard
to live with. I want to be a good husband to you. But I don't know
how to do that anymore. Without desire, I have to force myself to
get in the mood, which doesn't feel right. And then, there's the
shots. Every time I use them, I'm reminded of what a failure I am.
It makes me not want to keep trying. I can't face it."
Keith's depressed look made my heart ache, but I let him
continue without interrupting.
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