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[Webmaster note: This is an email response from a woman. Names has been changed.]
Thursday, April 13, 2000
Robert:
Yes, I did
know of your web site plans, and when you first informed
the list about it, I was tempted to reply with this topic.
Now you know why I didn't - it was all those emotional
issues that made me wonder if it could be true that I, as
a 61 year old woman (albeit slender and 'looking younger')
could in fact be so un-sexy that I didn't deserve the
'compliment' of a husband's erection. That's just an
example of how convoluted this issue can become, and how
it can create so much baggage that adds to the
difficulties.
Although "Steve" is no longer 'leaking', I think we
can both imagine the extra problem created for the man who
is still doing so, even if only minimally. Aubrey and
others have mentioned that this happens with sexual
excitement and/or orgasm, even if it never happens
otherwise! When he was leaking during the first months,
it didn't bother me but it sure bothered him! and the
uneasiness alone would have prevented an erection; many
men seem to forget that things like nervousness,
distractions etc. often affected them in 'the old days',
and there's no reason to expect it to be different now.
Yes, I had thought that perhaps you were coming
off of CHT [combined hormone therapy] and were impatiently waiting for libido return.
I'm curious...isn't it expected that the hormone therapy
will automatically eliminate a libido? If so, then I think
what will save you and your girlfriend is your concern and your
willingness to think about the issue. Talking freely
about your feelings and about hers, making sure that your
expressions of affection are sincere, rather than being
attempts to merely keep her happy - those are important.
One woman said that when she felt her husband was 'faking
it', she felt no less rejected than she was when he
ignored her; she'd rather have just the verbal and physical
hugs if they seemed sincere.
Many of the men who have had the surgery know that
they will never again have a spontaneous erection, anymore
than they'll ever ejaculate again. That's worth mourning,
by BOTH of them, and it's o.k.; what's not o.k. is for
either one to pretend they don't care. I know we were all
(I hope) warned that after PCa treatment, our sex life
would be different; I don't think any of us realized what
that really meant, and we may have thought we'd be
different.
I don't suppose I ever feared that "Steve" didn't love
me anymore, but I did feel that he loved me 'like a
90-year-old lady'; I even got mad (and mean) once and said
that if I'd wanted a good roommate, I wouldn't have chosen
him; I wanted a husband. I didn't know why we had to be
plunged into advanced old age just because of the RP.
One of the sources of big trouble with all this is
the time it takes to go from one phase to another. For
awhile, we're all focused on the life threat of cancer; if
we're really lucky, that threat begins to ease a bit after
a couple of good PSA's. That step alone can take a year,
and a lot of hurt can accumulate in a year for both man and
woman. The need for any follow-up treatments just extends
that time.
I think we are lucky. It only took 18
months to get to a tolerable stage, and another month to
mend the problems created by those months, not by the
cancer. It's certainly understandable if some
relationships can't survive the struggle. It's especially
saddens me when I think of the poor couples who don't win
the battle against the cancer - these emotional issues
could ruin the final couple of years of their life! The
possibility that your site might help them in the future
is as much a part of the potential value as helping
couples who want to ease the stress of this inevitably
stressful time.
The things I've learned on these lists tell me
that men on HT have an additional problem to add - the
various effects of that therapy - lower energy, emotional
fragility, the development of breasts. The demoralizing
effects of all that can only be imagined by anyone who
hasn't been there! Feeling aroused and not knowing 'what
to do with it' can only add to the torture - sexual
frustration, which is tough enough, is only the beginning.
It would be quite rational for a person to use a 'pain
avoidance' technique of some sort!
It's possible that if a man, instead of a woman,
brought this subject back to the list, there might be a
response. You'd be doing everyone a service if you decide
to try it...with no archives on PCAI, many men and women are
doomed to miss out on the limited help from old
discussions.
You've introduced a subject that I've been
discussing with several women and a couple of men, but our
messages have been private because the initial response to
the topic was a bit too touchy, I think, for the list. I
first raised the issue some 6-8 months ago, and others
have raised it since; I went private after I was somewhat
'slammed' by a man who suggested that because I was 60, my
interest in sex must be feigned; the next person who
raised the issue was told that the novelty of a new,
younger wife would solve the man's problem and perhaps his
wife was overweight.
The conclusions that have been the concensus of
opinion in these private exchanges have primarily involved
the demoralizing and emasculating aspect of erectile
dysfunction and its effect on a man's libido. Some men
are more bothered than others, and quite often the women
have been especially bothered by the man's apparent
emotional withdrawal from all forms of intimacy.
My husband's and my experience is pretty typical of the
situations that have ultimately resolved, so I'll tell you
our story. He had surgery in 8/98, 1 nerve 'spared'. Of
course he was impotent afterwards, but his libido seemed
fairly normal and he was even able to get a slight
response from Viagra, 'tho only after an orgasm. As
months went on, his libido vanished, much to his distress
and confusion. I felt that he had withdrawn from me and our
38 year marriage began to deteriorate because of the
emotional non-intimacy, not because of my sexual
frustration. We'd tried the vacuum device and hated it,
Viagra didn't help, so last July we started with the
injections. They worked beautifully, but Caverject caused
the famous 'ache'. It was hard for either of us to have a
pleasureable anticipation of a sexual event when we both
knew that the result would be hours of pain! So his
libido stayed so low that his interest in injections was
minimal, and my hurt at his emotional withdrawal was such
that I wasn't sure I even wanted sex with him. That's when
I was corresponding with others.
Then in December '99, we finally got the tri-mix
and re-discovered the joy of erections without pain.
After a few weeks, he was able to contemplate sex with
1) confidence that he would have an erection and 2) no fear
of pain. The result was the rapid return of his libido,
and we now feel that this is a situation that we could
accept as permanent, if it should be. Of course we're
still hoping, but within a few more months, the 'normal
recovery period' of 2 years will have ended. That
first-ever threat to our marriage is certainly gone!
It all makes sense to us. Human beings have a
well-developed instinct for avoiding pain, and a lack of
libido is a good way to avoid the disappointment of an
inability to have a good sexual experience.
The fact that you have been on CHT just multiplies
all the aspects of this; there's a physical, chemical,
reason for your lack of libido, in addition to an
emotional reason. It's my understanding that your body
will need a few months, at least, of no-CHT to resume
'normal'. In the meantime, you'd be well advised to use
one of the erection aids, even if it's only 'for exercise'
just to keep the penis healthy and ready. If you can find
that one of them also gives you that confidence that so
affected "Steve," you probably vastly improve prospects for
full return of life-as-you-knew-it.
This is a long response to your question, and I
hope you get some from men who've had an experience that
more closely matches yours. It does seem to me that men
are more willing to discuss their ED than their lack of
libido, and I even wonder if some of these men are even
denying it to themselves. I'll never know.
"Sharon"
written April 13, 2000
[Images are for illustration only and do not represent those involved.]
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